Kerrin Bain Coaching

Grief is my invisible friend

stalks of pink blossoms pictured from below with white clouds in a blue sky

I have experienced grief in bucketloads and this is my story with grief…

I had a happy childhood and experienced no major losses throughout my childhood, I didn’t lose a parent or a sibling or any other family members during my younger years. So when I became an adult, married my long time love, Grant and started a family I had no expectation of any darkness or gloom.  We had a son, a healthy little boy, Ethan and then four years later we had a beautiful little girl, Jess. My life was complete … other than the white picket fence I was living the dream that I had in my head about how life was supposed to be and what I believed was meant for me.

Jess

When Jess was 10 months old she was diagnosed with a childhood cancer known as Neuroblastoma. Overnight in April 2007 our lives changed completely and we spent more time in hospital than we did at home. After her initial round of chemo her one lung collapsed and she went into ICU and was put on a ventilator. She would need to learn to walk again after her long hospital visit. She went on to have a stem cell transplant later that year and took her first step the day after the transplant. She was HOPE in action and she showed us the power of positive thoughts and actions. Three months after the transplant, her cancer was back and her little body could have no more treatment, no more chemo and there was no option for radiation. She passed away in February 2008 at the age of 20 months.

Georgie

Our lives were shattered. I took some time off work but within a few months I was back at work and longing for another child, in truth longing for a daughter, longing for the daughter that had been taken away. Ethan was five and life was busy and before long we fell back into regular patterns. Two years later we were blessed with Georgie, she was born in 2010 and she came bouncing into our life and filled my aching heart with more joy than I could ever have possibly imagined. Life was good and our family was complete again. My dream was back in place… my white picket fence and my perfect family.

Lightning Strikes Again

But the universe had other plans … seven years later in 2017 Georgie had a knock to her head which revealed a brain tumour growing dark and deep within the occipital lobe. We couldn’t believe that it was happening all over again, as the saying goes ‘lightning never strikes twice in the same place’ … well it did this time! Surgery, radiation and chemo followed and I flung myself into finding a solution and managing her treatment, I felt that it was the only way to keep her alive and if I didn’t do it no one else would. She was COURAGEOUS and BRAVE and full of nonsense as she skipped out of the hospital after brain surgery, complete with a roll of her eyes aimed at mom when I asked for a retake. We had beaten the odds and this was just a bump in the road of our lives. In 2019, about 9 months after treatment ended, a routine scan revealed the worst, it was back … more surgery, radiation and chemo. Shortly afterwards we were faced with the news that there was nothing more that could be done. She passed away on 12 December 2019 and her remaining time was spent happy and at peace at home.

And now I find myself wondering how I survived the last 15 years of my life, how I made it here and what do I know now. Read more about the lessons I learnt in my next post.

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