Kerrin Bain Coaching

My lessons in Grief

a stream of butterflies in blue shades on a blue background

There are a million lessons that you learn when you experience grief and these are just a few …

Lesson 1: Moods and Emotions 

I have lived my life always believing that there is a solution and that I just need to find it, that nothing is too big to tackle. The mood of ambition is my dominant mood. It has served me well. However what can happen with dominant moods is that they have the power to overshadow other moods and emotions that aren’t as obvious or perhaps ones we don’t wish to acknowledge. Moods like resentment and anger are perfectly normal emotions in my circumstance, but I spent a long time pushing them under the carpet as I didn’t want to acknowledge them, I didn’t feel comfortable with them. What I have learnt is that if you don’t see and accept your real emotions, you cannot move past them, once you see them for what they are, look them in the eye and meet them there. From that point you can move forward.

Lesson 2: Language

The language of grief is particularly noticeable, so many well wishers use words like ‘struggle’ or ‘better place’. Losing loved ones and especially children is not something we as humans are comfortable with, so we use language to rationalise the experience. What is your default language with grief?

Lesson 3: Listening 

In 2020, the year we met Covid-19 and were all exposed to such tremendous change and loss, I was finally able to listen to my heart, to listen to what I needed. I needed space and time to process my grief, my losses and my life. Listening to ourselves, listening to our bodies and listening to heart is one of the hardest things to do but ultimately it is the greatest gift and the only way through. 

Lesson 4: Conversations 

So many conversations …. in the last few weeks of Georgie’s life our house was like a train station, all the special people in our lives came past to spend time, endless conversations about nothing, about anything but the reality. These conversations served their purpose which was to help me feel connected to others, not so alone and to share love and kindness and concern at this difficult time. I am so grateful to all that stepped past our front door and shared their love during that time. 

Lesson 5: Requests and Offers

So many kind offers made to us from loving and caring friends, mostly accepted and gratefully received. Requests to family and friends to pick up medicines and groceries, gratefully received and followed out. But so often we try to be a hero and manage on our own without support, at your hardest times that is when you need others the most and they will happily be there for you.

As I reflect back on this chapter of my life, I find that I’m finally able tell my story, I am noticing the blossoms blooming and the birds singing, I am waking me up each morning with excitement about the day ahead, I can’t go back, I can’t change the past, I am here now and what a wonderful place to be.

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